cannabisnews.com: All the President's Lies! 





All the President's Lies! 
Posted by FoM on February 26, 1999 at 13:35:04 PT

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a president who found a teensy-weensy black speck on top of his head while checking for hair loss in his mirror. It first appeared when he was asked if he had ever smoked marijuana. ``I have never broken the laws of the United States,'' he said, his hand over his heart. 
When he saw the speck, he was indignant. ``Hey, that was no lie,'' he said. ``I smoked it in England.`` ``That may be true,'' said the speck, ``but it was dishonest.'' ``Oh, go away,'' said the president. ``You're only an insignificant little speck. I will just go about doing my job, and hardly anyone will even notice you.'' The speck shrugged its tiny shoulders. ``Maybe so,'' it said. ``but be careful I don't grow.'' The president wasn't worried. And when a woman named Gennifer claimed he had a 12-year extramarital affair with her, he went on television to deny the accusation wholeheartedly. The next morning when he looked in the mirror, the speck had become the size of a pea. ``I'll just comb my hair this way,'' he told the speck. ``As long as I keep doing a good job, I doubt many people will see you.'' ``If you keep this up,'' said the pea-sized speck ominously, ``you're in for a lot of trouble.'' But the president still wasn't worried. Then a woman named Paula accused him of performing a most ungentlemanly act. ``How could anyone ever even dream of me doing such a thing?'' said the president indignantly. Needless to say, when he looked in the mirror, the little speck on his head had swelled into a black blob the size of an apple. ``Maybe if I wore a hat,'' said the president thoughtfully. But none would stay on his head, and now most everyone could see the blob -- everyone but his loyal staff and friends. ``See?'' said the blob. ``I told you so.'' The president paid Paula a lot of money to go away, however, and he was doing a good job. So most people just said, ``Well, we all have our little faults.'' Then a woman named Monica appeared on the scene. ``I never had sex with that woman,'' the president told the people, wagging his finger at the television camera. But Monica had the goods on him. ``Boy, are you in for it,'' growled the blob, now as big as a pumpkin. ``I'll have you thrown out of office for this.'' And the blob sure tried. But the president was still doing a good job, and the people liked him, and . . . Well, he got off scot-free. So when a woman named Juanita accused him of viciously attacking her 21 years ago, he automatically denied it flatly. He was trembling nervously, however, as he approached the mirror on the following morning. When he looked into it, he saw to his amazement that the big, black, pumpkin-sized blob was slowly disappearing. ``You mean at last the people believe me?'' he asked hopefully. ``Why on Earth would they do that?'' said the blob. ``But if they think I'm lying again,'' said the president, ``why are you leaving?'' ``I want to go somewhere,'' said the blob before vanishing, ``where I can do some good.'' ARTHUR HOPPEŠ1999 San Francisco Chronicle 
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